


Ask Alexis

by FictionPenned



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Advice, Advice Column, Gen, In-Universe Documents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:06:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26978554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FictionPenned/pseuds/FictionPenned
Summary: The following is a selection of letters from “Ask Alexis,” a column written by Alexis Rose (star of the critically panned reality show "A Little Bit Alexis") that briefly ran in Schitt’s Creek's local paper. Though it was marketed as an advice column, it evolved into an ongoing narrative about life within the confines of a small town, and is often cited as an important primary source for Anthropology students interested in learning about the numerous stresses that affect nuclear families in the modern era.Written for Fic In A Box 2020
Relationships: Alexis Rose & David Rose
Comments: 7
Kudos: 16
Collections: Fic In A Box





	Ask Alexis

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sandyk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandyk/gifts).



_The following is a selection of letters from “Ask Alexis,” a column written by Alexis Rose (star of the critically panned reality show "A Little Bit Alexis") that briefly ran in Schitt’s Creek's local paper. Though it was marketed as an advice column, it evolved into an ongoing narrative about life within the confines of a small town, and is often cited as an important primary source for Anthropology students interested in learning about the numerous stresses that affect nuclear families in the modern era.  
  
_

* * *

  
Dear Alexis,

I am writing to you today because I currently share an insufferably small motel room with my sister. Though she has been terribly annoying since the moment of her birth, I believe that she has finally crossed a line and repeatedly committed a hygiene crime that will shatter our relationship forever. Surely you must be asking, what crime might that be? Murder? Arson? Wearing white after Labor Day? Well, Alexis, she keeps leaving these disgusting lumps of hair in the shower drain. This didn’t use to be a problem, since we lived in a home that was so large that her bathroom was literally a hundred yards away from mine, but as I mentioned, we live in a hotel room now, and frankly, she’s used up her ‘you get one selfish a day’ allotment for the next five thousand years. 

Every single time I step into the shower, I feel like a very tiny version of the girl from _The Ring_ is going to claw her way out of the drain and murder me. I can’t keep living with that kind of imaginary hanging over my head, especially during the Halloween off-season. How do I convince my sister to embrace basic hygiene and clean up after herself?

Sincerely,

Living Out Of A Motel

Well, _Living_ , it sounds like your first problem is that you’re living in a motel. Everybody who’s ever stayed at a motel _knows_ that the shower pressure in motels is a nightmare, and that low water pressure means that you have to scrub your scalp harder in order to get the soap out, and that scrubbing your scalp harder basically means that you’re slowly committing to going bald. Going bald is going to mean more hair in the shower drain, and if that bothers you, then maybe you should consider showering with the overhead light turned off. It’s good for both the pores and your retinas, you can pretend that you’re having the sort of luxury spa experiences that don’t open up shop in a town this small, and if you can’t see the hair, then you don’t end up shaming your innocent sister for circumstances that clearly exist outside of her control. Plus, you no longer have to think about getting proposals from murderers! As far as I see it, turning out the lights would be a win-win for everybody. Yay, win-wins! Love that for you.

Love,

Alexis  
  


* * *

Dear Alexis,

When I wrote in about my shower woes, I was thinking more about shaming my sister into being less of a selfish b— and less about her greatly exaggerated hair loss journey. Judging by her current amount of volume, I doubt scrubbing induced hair-loss is an issue for her, and frankly, I have a hard time believing that that’s a real problem that affects real people. It sounds like the sort of fake logic that someone would use to justify being gross in a communal space. 

Also, oh my god, Alexis, _The Ring_ is not a romantic comedy. What rock do you live under, exactly? 

Sincerely,

Am I even living anymore? I’m honestly not sure. I feel like a vampire has drained the life force right out of me.

Wowee! I wasn't expecting a follow-up letter! What a surprise! 

However, Living, I sense a bit of a negative vibe coming from you right now, and I think it would be best for all of us if we took a moment, found some inner peace, and then moved on with the experience! 

First of all, it's not great to shame your sister's hair loss. A ton of great people experience hair loss, like grandmothers with cancer, and you wouldn't shame them, would you? Fun fact, I once convinced 75 of my closest friends to donate their hair to make wigs for grandmothers in need, but of course, no one was counting on all the hair being seized by the FBI as part of an ongoing investigation. I still count it as a good deed, though. Sometimes, good work is all about intentions and not the actual follow through.

Speaking of intentions, you might want to think about the best way to use the energy that you're channeling into complaining about this hair and critiquing my taste and movies and direct it into a more direct approach to your problems! 

Maybe sit down with your sister and listen to her part of the story. Or, better yet, pick up the hair yourself! There's nothing more invigorating than a bit of industriousness (or so I hear). 

Love,

Alexis

* * *

Dear Alexis,

1) Oh my God, Alexis, you are not a grandmother with cancer. You’re not even close to being a grandmother with cancer. That's an entirely different kettle of worms than your kettle of worms. 

2) Please get YOUR GROSS HAIR out of the drain in MY SHOWER

Sincerely,

David. I'm not even going to hide it anymore. You know I’m David. I know I’m David. Everyone knows I’m David.

So, David, I’m pretty sure it’s technically the motel’s shower and not your shower, so the _motel_ should be in charge of cleaning it up. Besides, it’s not like the drain is clogged or anything. Water gets through the drain fine, and honestly, I fail to see what the problem is here aside from your creepily specific hair hang ups. 

Anyway, it isn’t like you have grounds to complain about a tiny bit of hair in the shower when YOU keep eating that disgusting-smelling stuff from the Mini Mart and leaving it in the trashcan. That stuff makes the room smell terrible for DAYS, David. Whole entire DAYS. 

In know you want to find a boyfriend or a girlfriend or whatever, David, so you should know that committing to a nice-smelling living space is just as important to prospective long-term relationships as keeping hair out of the shower or whatever else it is that you think the most important priority for fixing our current living situation might be. 

Love,

Alexis

* * *

Alexis,

Honestly, at this point I am _this close_ to clawing your eyes out in your sleep. Get your hair out of the shower already. It’s been weeks since I first told you about it, and if it keeps getting watered after midnight, I’m pretty sure that it’s going to sprout a pair of ears and transform into a rampaging Gremlin.

Step on a Lego,

David

No need to get tetchy, David. Remember those breathing exercises that my guru taught us during that vacay in the Swiss Alps? You should do a few of those. I think it would help you put things in perspective and stop projecting horror movies onto an innocent clump of hair. (Yes, Stevie and I watched _The Ring_ last night. Take _that_ , David.)

Take a deep breath, put on some rubber gloves, keep the problem in perspective, and do the work required to put your life (and your shower) back in order. I recommend watching episode 2 of my critically-discussed reality show ( _A Little Bit Alexis_ ) for some helpful hints on how to keep your space tidy! (Hint: step one is hiring a great group of organizers and personal stylists!)

And remember,David, every problem is a solution waiting to happen, and the only thing you get out of worrying is a lot of gray hairs.

I would know. I found, like, five whole gray hairs after the week I was held hostage by Somali pirates on David Geffen’s yacht. You don’t want gray hairs, David. It wouldn’t be a good look on you. 

Love,

Alexis

* * *

My Dear Alexis,

I am most affronted by the way you and your brother have been behaving on this public forum. The Roses do not communicate through Classified Ads in the local paper. We are not common-blooded serial killers, Alexis. Honestly, I don’t know how you expect anyone to spend time with you when you’re out here acting like a second-rate Abigail!

Cordially,

Your Greatly Adulated Mother

I don’t know why you’re coming at me for this when David obviously started it. He’s the one writing letters to an advice column under fake names. I’m just answering the letters I get. That’s, like, my job, Mom. Weren’t you and Dad worried about how we’re going to pay the bills this month? And now you’re shaming me for daring to get my hands dirty and help out a just a teensy-tiny bit?

Does this feel like any way to treat the breadwinner in our family?

Ugh,

Alexis

  


* * *

_You may not be surprised to hear that “Ask Alexis” was quickly pulled from circulation due to the lack of professionalism displayed by the columnist, however, its contents continue to be archived and preserved for academic study._


End file.
